Vulnerability is (Actually) Alpha
Today we’re going to unpack this concept of being alpha and how unhelpful that concept is in actually learning how to process your own emotions in a healthy way.
Am I Too Alpha For My Own Emotional Good?
There isn’t a clear definition of what being “alpha” means, but conversationally - we tend to associate it with being at the top of your game such as being attractive, assertive, competitive, determined, goal-orientated, the list goes on.
Naturally, this definition comes with its counterpart of being a “beta” male who is unsuccessful, unattractive, submissive, conflict avoidant, unmotivated and so on. The reality is - “being alpha” is an oversimplified and generally unhelpful and many might argue “toxic” way to look at the world, especially when it comes to resolving interpersonal problems.
From MY point of view, the problem with being “alpha” is that it usually comes with some level of emotional illiteracy… because you don’t know how to acknowledge or listen to your own emotions, otherwise known as being “vulnerable”. Vulnerability is being sensitive to your own and other’s emotional needs and being vulnerable is critical in improving yourself and your interpersonal relationships - an invaluable life skill.
Which then begs the obvious question…
Does being vulnerable mean that I am weak?
Well, when people think of being vulnerable - they often associate that with experiencing a negative emotion and being impaired by it. This is in complete contrast with being “alpha” where you don’t acknowledge your feelings so that nothing can hurt you. You might believe that experiencing negative emotions such as sadness, discouragement, anxiety or shame impairs you from achieving your goals and that’s why you suppress them (or think that you should).
For some, being affected by these negative emotions is considered weak. To a degree, this belief works for you. Maybe you’ve pushed through difficult times and completely compartmentalised them without ever returning to them. Simply put, the ability to acknowledge that something is difficult or painful doesn’t make you weak.
In fact it is the opposite.
When you go out of your way to deny your pain and avoid feeling your emotions, it often makes things worse in the long run. Think about that last time you drank yourself silly because of a breakup or did something stupid because of an argument with your partner.
No matter how thick we make our skin, there will be moments when things will just get through because we were humans and not robots. Making a habit of putting up a wall makes us even MORE sensitive to stressors and triggers. Being more comfortable with vulnerability will enable you to process negative emotions in a healthier manner - which makes it the opposite of weak.
Now that we have that cleared up. Let’s straighten some other things out..
“Boys don’t cry.” Why do some men commonly struggle with vulnerability?
I think “Boys don’t cry” is an artefact of the values that previous generations wanted to instil in our sons. As parents, we want our children to be emotionally resilient and persist in the face of setbacks. When a child falls off their bicycle and is experiencing pain and distress, a well meaning parent might say “big boys don't cry” because they are trying to reduce that child’s distress.
Now that reaction can be well intentioned, but comes with enormous disadvantages:
The child feels that their emotions are invalidated.
The parent and child miss out on modelling more effective skills for when the child encounters negative emotions again.
The lesson learnt by the child might be to reject negative feelings completely and thus creating an unhealthy habit.
Rinse and repeat this habit for a whole range of impactful experiences: your first break up, the first time you were let go from your job, your first exam failure and you might have yourself an issue.
That initial message of “I’m not supposed to cry or get upset when I’m hurt” as a child, becomes some variation of “Tough men don’t feel emotions” and sometimes gets attached to our identity. This can also form unhelpful codes of conduct such as:
Don’t cry!
Drink hard!
Never negotiate, never compromise!
Never wear pink!
Suppressing and denying emotions can impair how you understand yourself and others. It is disastrous in maintaining relationships. By no means does this occur exclusively in men. Girls are often taught to suppress distress and disagreement, with similar psychological consequences.
Source: Winggo Tse, Unsplash
So to remedy this let’s reframe what it actually means to be vulnerable.
If vulnerability was a super power, what are some abilities that I would gain?
You have emotions for a reason and it's important to understand why and how to regulate it so that they work FOR you and not AGAINST you.
Acknowledging your own emotions will:
Allow you to understand yourself better,
Which in turn will help you recognise your weaknesses,
It will help you strategise how to cope with those emotions better,
How to effectively resolve the cause of problems and
Last but not least - connect with others more deeply.
These “abilities” will then manifest into:
Knowing and truly being yourself. Being able to understand your own emotions will help you understand yourself and put you in a better vantage point to understand and own your insecurities and imperfections.
Being more aware of emotions will also help you become a better communicator. Because not only are you aware and in control of your own emotions, you will also become aware of other people’s emotions.. you know this little thing called EMPATHY. Effectively communicating your emotions in a respectful way and validating other’s emotions is fundamental to bonding and conflict resolution. Imagine feeling supported, knowing someone truly understands and listens and that you are part of an unbreakable team. When understanding of self and understanding of others combine, it will inevitably lead to…
Better relationships!
How do I know when it’s ok to be vulnerable?
For most situations in life, there is always a place for emotions, acknowledging and understanding them. Ultimately, we want to use the information that negative emotions are providing us so that we can better understand and resolve what is driving that emotion. Vulnerability is useful for significant setbacks such as break ups, major failures, grief or injuries. Allow yourself to experience your feelings, understand them, learn to support yourself or get support from others and you’re way more likely to work out a resolution.
Vulnerability should be embraced in maintaining healthy relationships by respectful communication and building trust. It's worth checking in with yourself and examining what you are feeling before you try to brush it off - it could be a toxic relationship, the soul-crushing job, or the friend that belittles you.
However, If the mission objective is clear and time is running out like in the finals of a championship game or in an exam, you might be much better off focusing on the immediate task and delaying the processing of your emotions later. Another case where vulnerability should be deferred is, if you are in an unhealthy relationship where being vulnerable or putting your trust in the wrong person might leave you at risk of being taken advantage of or when you find yourself amplifying your own negative emotions.
In cases of depression and anxiety, “being vulnerable” and putting excessive attention to your own thoughts can make you feel worse. This is when seeking a mental health professional is helpful because there are skills that you can learn and use to help you process and engage the emotions without getting stuck in a loop.
Just to be clear, the solution is still embrace your emotions - but just doing it with the support of a professional to upgrade your vulnerability skillset. Remember that suppressing emotions and denying your own feelings is a SHORT TERM strategy that only delays “processing”. And no, you cannot just keep using this short term strategy forever.
Can I train myself to be more emotionally attuned? How?
Increase the awareness of what you are feeling by Journaling
Write down what you are feeling, the thoughts that drive the feeling
Reflect on why you are having this emotion and how it affects your behaviour
How can you better regulate this emotion?
Practice expressing your emotions to a supportive person in your life.
Really listen when others express their feelings and thoughts.
Validate when you hear your friends or partner’s thoughts and feelings.
As a side note: Sometimes when we start acknowledging our emotions, we can start to feel a little overwhelmed.
If you’ve had a history of trauma or abuse, this may bring up some really difficult emotions and memories. Take your time, it isn’t a race and should you need additional support, reach out to a mental health professional in your area.