How to Motivate Yourself (Part 6)

In this part I cover a really useful technique to help you manage some of the fear associated with imagining catastrophic outcomes (psychologists call it catastrophising).

We’ve all been here before, you want to do something a little ambitious and good for you. You know it, but you can’t help think of all the terrible things that could happen if you took a chance and attempted. This could be asking someone on a date, going for an interview or the fear of potential withdrawal symptoms (if you’re addicted to substances, gaming or porn).

You also know that you can “psych” yourself out of doing it if you don’t manage this fear, and then you’ll have to deal with regret (rather than failure). Jeff Bezos is quoted for saying “I knew that if I failed I wouldn’t regret that, but I knew the one thing I might regret is not trying.” Jeff has definitely worked out a way to manage that fear productively.

There’s a neat tool that I use to help manage this type of anxiety. It’s called bilateral exposure.

Side note: I wouldn’t recommend this technique on your own if you’re a chronic worrier or have a history of generalised anxiety disorder.

First, you’re probably going to have to get used to the previous tools in the series (find that here). The main reason being this tool actually requires you to create your own fearful scenario. So in the first step that what you’re doing is that you’re going to imagine the worst possible realistic outcome that can happen if you do this particular task. A common one that I see in therapy is the dreaded job interview for the ambitious position that you know you should go for.

Imagine in excruciating detail that you had failed this interview.

You can see the look on the interviewer’s faces and they’re already shaking their heads in disappointment. You clearly didn’t live up to their expectations and I want you to really sit with that. I want you to feel that cringe feeling, that emotion of disappointment, notice the thoughts of failure and its emotions. Sit with it, breathe deeply and sit with the feelings and thoughts. Don’t disengage from the thoughts and emotions, slowly come to terms with all the consequences of that scenario. Slowly generate the thoughts that you’ll be okay regardless, that you accept some things are out of your control now, challenge any excessive thoughts that you’ll never get a job or that you’re a total and eternal failure. Keep breathing. Repeat until you’re at peace with the worst possible outcome.

Now, reimagine that scene, imagine that you have just smashed this interview out of the park.

You can see the smiles, the nodding approval of the interviewers. You are washed with the feeling of accomplishment. The interviewer says to you that you are the right fit for the position and they no longer have to interview. Sit with those feelings, the sense of pride and happiness. Come to peace with those emotions too.

Now, the most probable reality of the situation is that your interview will result in something in the middle. Not spectacularly positive or overwhelmingly negative. Somewhere in the middle, and you’ve already at peace with both extreme outcomes.

Source: Andrew Neel, Unsplash

The most common error with this technique is to have the extreme imagined scenarios too unrealistic and over-exaggeration of the events. That is, imagining that you might lose your family, interviewers assaulting you or being homeless and then trying to condition yourself to that. If you find yourself in that case, write down your scenario on pen and paper, and check to see if you’ve overly projected or magnified the outcomes (in technical terms, if there any cognitive distortions present). If so, modify and rewrite a scenario with more realistic but improbable outcomes. Writing it down is important, because your thoughts often don’t sound unrealistic in your head but look unrealistic written down. So commit to writing and rewriting until it looks realistic.

I often use this technique if I have to go for something that is risky and that is good for me. It could be to give a presentation in front of esteemed colleagues, or even making a youtube channel (to come!). I might mentally imagine through the worst realistic scenario, come to peace and get a general sense of what a reasonable action I would take if my worst case came true. I’ve never had the worst come true and I would be just fine if it did.

Give it a go and condition yourself to your worst outcomes. It’s the mental micro-skill of getting tough.