A psychologist’s top tip for concerned loved ones

“I love an addict but I don’t know how long can stay?”
“How can I love an addict?”
“How can I love an addict without enabling?”

If you’ve ever googled the questions above, this post is for you.

I’ve hesitated writing about this piece because it’s hard to not have and see strong emotions about it. I’ve often seen and spoken to those who have a loved one that is struggling with addiction. For some, let’s be honest, it’s hard. But let’s clarify some things first:

There’s a difference for concerned loved ones between…

• Someone struggling with addiction vs. someone struggling with recovery.

• Someone struggling with severe addiction vs. someone with problematic patterns of use

• Someone who is in detox vs. Someone who is in recovery

• Someone who has relapsed vs. Someone who has lapsed

But that’s too technical for this post. The bottom line is that with addictions, suffering isn’t isolated to the one with the addictive problem. In fact, sometimes, the one with the addiction doesn’t appear to be suffering at all. In those cases, it’s common to see concerned loved ones pick up that the “suffering” burden and carry it. When they pick up that burden, they feel they have to pick up the responsibility of recovery for that person. Sometimes as a concerned loved one, we feel obligated to help the person with the addiction recover, even when they don’t want to. When this happens, it’s common to feel helpless, resentful and exhausted. If you read my other post, the only person that can start the recovery process is the person that has the addiction (or problematic use). It sounds obvious and unhelpful but ultimately true.

However, what significant others don’t quite realise is that sometimes we might contribute inadvertently to delaying recovery. There are also skills that loved ones can develop to facilitate the start of and support those in recovery. There’s a truth that concerned loved ones must accept before you can apply any helpful skill: You have to learn that looking after yourself, and engaging in your own meaningful life is critical to being effective in helping a loved one.

Source: Kristina Tripkovic, Unsplash

Sometimes I use the following example, personally and when counseling concerned loved ones.

Imagine both of you are going to the beach, and you are a very strong swimmer and your loved one with the addiction is a weaker swimmer. You’re both enjoying the water, then all of a sudden, your loved one is flailing and the risk of drowning is real. You swim over and try to help, but he/she is so panicked that you get dragged down. You’re gulping cold ocean water as you try to resurface, you’re in trouble too. You tell yourself, “I’m a stronger swimmer, I can help” so you keep trying, despite the desperate grasping hands pulling down on your shoulders. You feel yourself getting tired and your muscles start to ache as your strength leaves your body. Flailing limbs keep pulling you down into the water. You can’t keep this up and you start to regret trying to help. Something pops into mind, you remember a single line you overheard from an older lifeguard to a rookie one.

“Don’t turn one drowning into two”.

You push off your loved one’s chest, distance yourself a bit and catch your breath. You’re exhausted but you force yourself to breathe deeply and recompose yourself. You shout out to your loved one “I can’t help you until you start to calm down, you’ve got to try. I won’t come near you until you show some me a sign that you are calming down”

You wish you could help them without their cooperation, but you’re not skilled enough. Your loved one flails more and you get this familiar urge to jump in there to help. You stop yourself. You know that if you tried to help now, you’ll be pushed into the water again. You remind yourself again

“Don’t turn one drowning into two”

You take another deep breath and shout out again, “I will help you when you stay still and calm down”. Perhaps your loved one finally calms down or maybe all the flailing has worn them out. You start approaching, prepared with whatever skills you have to help. You notice that he/she is facing the shore, you dive deeply under them and approach from the rear. You hold on to their back, kick strongly and propel the both of you towards the shoreline.

Take home message: You’re in a better position to help others if you look after yourself (which is easier said than done)

So concerned loved ones, tip number one is worth repeating

Take care of yourself, engage in your meaningful life, you’ll be more effective.