The Eulogy Exercise: A way to find direction in life (Part 1 of 2)
Today, we’re going to talk about how writing your eulogy might just be one of those things that gives you a perspective and direction for when you feel lost. Part 1 explores the reasons why it can be tough for people to find their direction in life, and Part 2 describes the Eulogy Exercise and what you can do after.
Why is it tough for young adults nowadays to know where to go in life?'
Yes this might come off as straight morbid to do, but hear me out. Let’s first understand the context here before we actually get to the exercise.
Why is it tough for young adults nowadays to know where to go in life?
There are hundreds of reasons why young adults find it hard to “know” where to go in life. There’s moving away from the standard criticism from former generations versus the unique existential challenges that were created by those previous generations.
Let’s focus on the 4 psychological factors felt by this generation that are likely felt more so than by the previous ones.
The Paradox of Choice
One of the most common complaints about life direction is the endless possibility of directions you can take. Social mobility is a good thing, but having too much choice and not knowing how to deal with it can feel paralysing pretty quickly.
You have to define for yourself your role and sense of purpose. Again, having the autonomy to choose what is important to you and what you want to be is in general a good thing. Figuring it out when there are endless choices is the first difficult part.
Sometimes, it is worth accepting that you have to limit your choices and give up on the ideas that rely too much on potential.
Assuming you should “know” your purpose or meaning
The subjective experience of “knowing” your purpose or having meaning is sold as this clearly identifiable and long term mental state.
I don’t think that’s the case at all. Meaning involves some degree of chosen and deliberate suffering/hardship and payoff. Early in your life, it is meant to be hard to understand what this feeling is without some sort of basis of comparison.
You can assign a mission or purpose, or choose it for yourself. But if you rely on the positive emotions you can gain from doing that thing, then you are unlikely to find whatever you are doing meaningful.
Social media and excessive social comparison
Social media isn’t inherently a bad thing, but when you’re not feeling so great about yourself is when it can suck. It’s often that you will find yourself constantly comparing your life to others, and you’ll feel that you’re left behind or missing out on something.
But the thing is this - accept that the race is in your mind and how you choose to view others. It really isn’t a race. It really isn’t.
Let’s use a swimming pool analogy. If you watch any two swimmers in their lane, it might appear like it’s a race. But what if it’s actually that they’re swimming for themselves, to better themselves or to have fun? Sometimes we assume race between our cohort, but are you really competing, are you all going to agree on a finish line? The fact is, your careers, your relationships and even your deaths aren’t something a race framework is helpful for.. So in this case- ditch the pool analogy and go with the ocean one. We’re all swimming in an ocean of life, not a pool with lanes. You make a choice to swim to a direction you choose, or you can also choose to float and chill out for a bit.
Entanglement of purpose, ease, enjoyment and responsibility
Things take time to get good at, and sometimes the things that you are good at aren’t the same as the things you find pleasure from. Accepting this is going to take time to get used to. Perhaps at this stage of your life you are trying to find what you are good at that aligns with your values, develop it even if it doesn’t feel easy, and find what it is you find pleasurable. Sometimes the start of your meaningful pursuits are filled with difficulty.
Source: Annie Spratt, Unsplash
Is there such a thing as the “right” answer / path to go with?
This is tricky, but - there is right for you as judged by you now, and there is right for you as judged by your future you.
Should I finish my law degree?
Should I drop out of med school?
Should I leave my partner?
It is hard to have a guarantee for the best decision, and even if it might “objectively” be a clear decision due to safety or risk concerns, it can still feel difficult. Accept that you won’t “know” for certain your choice is the right choice. Feeling that you must know this 100% isn't a kind standard to have for yourself anyway.
Accept that any choice you decide will be filled with its own kind of regrets. It’s normal. This is your brain trying to evaluate, assess and honor the loss of the potential outcomes of your other choices. It doesn’t have to be an overwhelming signal to course correct - especially when you have taken the time to make this decision.
Ultimately, there isn’t any choice that is wrong if you are able to learn from it. Ask yourself if you are pursuing something that serves all versions of the future you, or the you that is today.
How do I know when to push my boundaries?
Your comfort zone is when there’s the absence of anxiety. You’re familiar, there aren’t any threats, it's predictable and there isn't any risk. By itself, your brain will always recalibrate things you encounter and manage successfully so that it feels familiar, unthreatening, automatic.
But this also means you’re not learning anything and gaining anything over time, and if you are so used to that feeling - your tolerance for things that are uncertain, unpredictable or novel decreases and this can also feel uncomfortable. It's hard to personally grow in your comfort zone because by definition - everything is familiar and predictable.
If your values are lined up right, you should have a sense when something is good for you but has an element of risk. The person you wanted to ask out on a date, the job promotion you think you should apply for, saying no to someone’s unreasonable request. These things feel uncomfortable, daunting and scary - but there’s a part of you that understands that it’s good for you to do so.
So when there is that feeling - when you know it’ll be good for you even if it’s uncomfortable now - that’s the time to stray from the comfort zone and push yourself.