Facing Your Demons: Heartbreak Edition
Today, we’re going to talk about misconceptions about moving on, how you can process a heartbreak in a healthy way, and how to know if you’re on the right track.
What is your definition of “moving on in a healthy way”?
Signs that you’ve moved on after a relationship breakdown* often means a couple of things:
Not being triggered to the point that impairs your day-to-day functioning,
You’re able to zoom out and recognize the positives and negatives whilst acknowledging growth, and
You are able to look forward to things in life,
However,
If you find yourself having intrusive thoughts and they bring up emotions that are difficult to manage,
If you frequently replay the relationship in your mind, looking for answer or playing the “what if” game,
If you find these memories impair your daily functioning, and your ability to look forward to things,
And if it’s been more than 3 months since it ended,
Then there might be healthier ways to deal with it. And especially when you already have a history of depressive or anxiety symptoms, heartache can only amplify it - and in those cases, it’s best to get assessed by your medical or mental health professional.
Let’s talk about common misconceptions and debunk them.
“Just don’t think about it so much.”
Not quite. Hearth break is tough. Like, really tough. There is no shortcut to healing. One of the most common experiences after a relationship breakdown is that we find ourselves revisiting our relationship in our minds - and that’s a normal part of adjustment.
But sometimes, this process is overwhelming and persistent. You might be deliberately analysing every moment and think - “If only I did X” or “Maybe if I did Y,” or you might talk about idealizing it thinking “we could have been so happy” or “I’ll never find someone like that again.” And these might be us deliberately ruminating, or captured by intrusive thoughts. But the short answer is - if you catch yourself thinking in this direction, then no - this isn’t going to help you process it clearly.
But the answer is not to “don’t think about it bro” - it’s about working out a way to come to terms with the reality of the break up, acknowledge it, reflect on it, and reorganise yourself. It’s often difficult, but it’s the most direct way to heal.
“Time heals everything.” No, not by itself. The process of grief, loss or heartbreak takes time. And you can be stuck in that process. So time alone isn’t enough. Healing takes time - time helps, but doesn’t heal.
“I need to have closure.” Not necessarily.
Apologies can indeed be helpful to process terrible experiences, but if you depend on an apology for your own healing - that’s when you are giving up your agency and placing it entirely on someone else.
I think what is important when it comes to situations where you are wronged is:
If you recognise your emotions
Express them to yourself, your friends,
And, if you can, to the other party.
Even when they don’t apologize, choose to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened - it is a choice you make for yourself, and yourself only. It means choosing to NOT have it dominate your life. Best to think of it as a practice of acceptance and self-kindness. Do it repeatedly until it becomes easier.
“Leave the past in the past.” Yes, but only if you’re ready to let it go.
Leaving the past in the past is a decision you make after you have processed and extracted the lessons and the wisdom of that experience. At that point, you feel ready to let it go. There’s a difference to this and “suppressing” your memories and thoughts, though. There’s “I’m not going to think about it” and there’s “I’ve come to peace with it and am choosing not to let it dominate my thoughts.”
Letting it go doesn't mean you no longer have access to it or forget it ever happened to you. It means that it no longer consumes you and that your experience of that relationship has made your life richer or wiser in some way.
Some memories will always hurt a little, and that’s ok. Maybe you’ll miss that person for the rest of your life, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The key part is that it doesn't consume you anymore. That is when you “leave the past in the past.”
Source: Photo Nic, Unsplash
What are some of the things I can do/think about, to help me process this better?
Writing it down, slowly and carefully. Experience your emotions and acknowledge that they exist (don’t try to act cool and unbothered - you’re not a kid)
Talk to someone about it. Ideally, someone you can trust and won’t judge you for it.
Continue enjoying your life. Keep on keeping on. Do things, make plans, live your life.
If you’re looking back, remember the uncut or unedited parts of the relationship - not just the idealised version! Remember your former partner’s flaws, your frustrations, the painful moments, etc. -- mix it up until you feel silly for still thinking about something that isn’t worth your time, and let it pass.
Understand the function of loss. It’s ok to miss someone, because it honors some good parts that it had but it doesn’t have to be distressing.
Identify your needs and fill the void left after the break up - with, hopefully, healthy habits, and not destructive ones. Cos why do that to yourself?
Do the things that bring you meaning. Shift the focus to something that puts things into perspective - and help you realise there are far better things to focus your attention on.
Source: Andrew Mead, Unsplash
Am I EVER going to be over it?
Everybody heals, Sometimes, feeling guilty about it can make it worse. My advice for you is to take. Your. time. There’s no fixed timeframe. Take it step by step, at your own pace. There’s no race. There’s no rush. This is between you and yourself. No one else can do this for you.
That being said - if you do find yourself having a difficult time adjusting and functioning, or not having enough capacity as you have responsibilities that need attending to - you might need some additional professional support.
So how can psychologists help you through this process, better than doing it yourself?
Sometimes, being able to discuss it openly without any restraints can do wonders. You might be reluctant to share everything with your close friends, or may feel like it's imposing on someone else for having shared that story too many times. Or maybe you’re embarrassed to still be affected by it.
By offering a different perspective, a psychologist can help call you out when you are exaggerating the positives of what it was or what it could be, or if you’re exaggerating on the negatives. A psychologist can help you navigate and see a more accurate picture of your relationship.
Psychologists can recommend specific tools or techniques. Maybe it’s more complex than we thought, maybe it’s a self-worth issue, maybe it’s a moral injury, maybe it triggers a whole link to something beyond the relationship itself.
Lives are messy, and sometimes there are so many things going on as well that may affect what you’re experiencing. These things make it a little trickier to self-resolve.
How do I know when I’m actually okay for real this time? Will it ever come back?
If you find that:
Not being triggered to the point that impairs your day-to-day functioning,
You’re able to zoom out and recognize the positives and negatives whilst acknowledging growth, and
You are able to look forward to things in life
Then that’s when you’re ok!
But... It’s normal to feel heartbreak again. It happens, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you are broken. However - if you feel that these symptoms persist for 6 months or more - then it might be a more significant mental health issue that is going on and check yourself.