Porn is Fake News
Today we’re going to talk about how porn has a more significant and longer lasting effect on our thoughts and lives than we might realize.
Why are we so drawn to pornography?
There is an innate biological drive to find sex interesting and important. Porn shows us this sexual stimulus and we consume this experience mentally and physically via simulated sex and masturbation - so why it’s an interesting is a no brainer.
In fact, why modern pornography is so appealing is because it is a supernormal stimulus. It produces an exaggerated response beyond what we would normally encounter in our evolutionary past.
On top of that, it is endlessly available, novel and free. There is always something new or surprising, it is difficult to become bored to online pornography so not only are we drawn, we’re held there as well.
How is porn completely different from real life intimacy?
There are a lot of kinds of porn: from amateur, animated to studio productions and everything in between. If we look at the 10 most viewed videos on PornHub, we can clearly see very common themes.
The actors and actresses are physically attractive sex professionals that engage in high tempo, high energy sex across a range of positions that require impressive physical dexterity - eventually reaching, or usually faking orgasms that are visually and auditorily exaggerated.
From a practical standpoint, just like a movie - what we don’t see is the multiple takes, the editing, the actor’s or actresses’ pre-planned “choreography”. We don’t see the discomfort and the physical and emotional stress that the actors experience when trying to perform the scene.
From a psychological and emotional standpoint, we only see the sexual act and not the connection that is required for satisfying sexual interactions in an intimate relationship. Real life intimacy is far more complex and it’s a verbal and physical dialogue between two parties about expectations, vulnerabilities, boundaries, joint-discovery and preferences.
Pornography is a portrayal of fantasy sex, like how action movies portray a type of fantasy violence. Rambo isn’t an accurate description of war, it isn’t meant to be, neither is pornography.
Souce: Salah Regouane, Unsplash
So, what are some of the basic assumptions / or standards that porn misinforms?
Briefly there are 3 main categories:
Misinformed expectations of your self image - such as penis size, beauty standards and body image.
Misinformed expectations of your partner. Their preferences, their boundaries, their bodies, what feels good to them rather than what you might think “should” feel good from what you’ve watched on screen.
Misinformed expectations of sex. For example - intensity of intercourse, the duration of intercourse, the borderline acrobatic dexterity to perform some of the positions - even the verbal dialogue is often scripted by the director. Don’t forget that these pornstars are athletes in their own right who have years of off-camera and on-camera experience under their belt - when you play a pick-up game at the park, no one expects you to play like Steph Curry. Porn presents penetrative sex as the main act rather than a small part of intimacy. Satisfying and connecting meaningfully with your partner takes more than an orgasm and performance issues happen to literally everyone everywhere and should not be an indicator of your self-worth.
What are some of the potential strains that an individual may feel when imposing these false standards on themselves?
There are a range of issues if some of these beliefs go unchecked but here are two of the main issues.
Using sexual performance as an indicator of your self-worth. If you believe that your sexual prowess is a marker of your self-esteem and self-worth and you find yourself experiencing performance issues, your self-esteem and self-worth might start feeling very fragile. You might find yourself angry and upset at your “performance”. After repeated “poor performances”, it’s common to see people have thoughts of inadequacy, failure and self-worthlessness. This sucks because sex doesn’t have to be this way - even if you experience erectile or arousal difficulties, you can still connect meaningfully with your partner. Everyone has an off-day, even the professionals on screen.
Anxiety and Sex. If you’re prone to anxious thoughts, you might find yourself more and more concerned about your next sexual encounter, worrying if your difficulties will return. You might feel that the “stakes are higher”. Sometimes, this leads to having significant anxiety symptoms about whether you will “perform”, which often leads to more performance issues. A vicious cycle.
Why is sexual performance so important?
I think broadly speaking, the most common “symptom” is the conscious or subconscious belief that sex is something I do “to” someone rather than “with” someone. Issues arise when self esteem becomes a function of unrealistic sexual expectations for oneself and their partner. When the orgasm is prioritized above intimacy and when that condition is not met, feelings of inadequacy and anxiety usually appear.
Even when it is clear to a person that pornography is fictional entertainment, there are certain beliefs that just get picked up.
Can I still be affected by pornography even though I know it’s fictional entertainment?
How much pornography can influence one’s beliefs is on a continuum. Most people understand that pornography is fictional entertainment but can still be consciously or unconsciously influenced by it.
Subconsciously, most people learn the physical mechanics and norms from pornography. Do you really know what the average penis length and shape is, the average duration of penetrative intercourse and intensity? Broadly speaking, these porn norms aren’t helpful at all when it comes to real-life sexual intimacy and satisfaction.
Source: Franco Alva, Unsplash
For some people, pornography may be their primary source of sexual education in their teens. Their beliefs and norms may not be re-evaluated until it becomes problematic. For a small minority, excessive and chronic use of pornography can alter beliefs and preferences significantly when compared to pre-problematic use. So even if you can openly acknowledge the fictional aspect of porn, for some it affects how their body responds to real-life interactions.
Problematic users of pornography tend to calibrate to increasingly intense types of pornography which in turn may affect what they find arousing in real-life. This is often reinforced unknowingly. Some people can experience a disconnect between what actually arouses them privately and what they can or want to actually do in real life - it can decrease the quality of their sexual and non-sexual relationship with their partner. In practical terms, they might find arousal difficult with real-life interactions and in psychological terms, they might find the porn they are consuming distressing after use or experience anxiety when that category clashes with their own moral/ethical code.
Does one require treatment to rewire themselves and slowly root out misinformed habits and behavior? What are some of the things that one could do to remedy this by themselves?
Not everyone requires professional treatment for problematic porn use, whether that be the consumption patterns or mis-education from porn. If you think that your control of porn is shaky or that you think there are some things you picked up from porn that are unhealthy, then follow these 3 steps:
The first step is to regulate your porn, set your category and choose your frequency MINDFULLY. Choose a frequency and category that is in line with your moral and ethical code, choose a pattern that doesn’t produce long term negative consequences and negative emotions.
The second step is to take ownership of your sexual education and educate yourself about sex, sexuality, sexual relationships and boundaries. This might mean researching within your moral and ethical domain about what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. For those that are religious, sometimes your pornography use will conflict with your religious teachings. That is something you will have to negotiate with yourself, how strictly or flexibly you adhere to your practices. If you prefer secular guidelines, there is no shortage of literature on sexuality and healthy intimacy. Links to other informative youtube channels in description.
Third, communication is key.
If the majority of your sexual education has been through pornography, it’s likely that you havent been accustomed to the idea of discussing your sexual, emotional and psychological needs with your partner. The core challenge is that if you’re experiencing problems with pornography, sex and self-standards - you tend to keep it private and often suffer in silence. Sometimes there’s strong feelings of shame or embarrassment that prevent the person from seeking help or having an honest dialogue with their sexual partner. Practice communicating with your partner about your sexual thoughts, interests, needs and boundaries. Shift the frame from something that you do to someone, to something you do with someone.
I hope this helped you better understand the subliminal and long lasting ways that porn may have affected you.