Falling for a cam-girl: Addiction or pseudo-love?
Today we’re talking about webcam models and camming sites can sometimes become a problem.
Why do patrons typically seek out webcam models over online pornography?
It’s not a surprise that interactive pornography is more stimulating than video or image based- pornography. The ultimate in interactivity is another person, who has their own thoughts and feelings, intentions and behaviours.
Camgirls, webcam models or camming sites are real-time broadcasted sexual acts with a performer that you can typically interact with via chat and tipping. The unpredictability and novelty of social and human interactions is one of the reasons we find social interactions so engaging.
But there are a few elements that are unique to webcam models / camming services, and they are:
A sense of companionship and bonding
A sense of familiarity
Frictionless accessibility
Positive attention and approval which makes you feel wanted
A sense of discovery and surprise
A sense of control through requests and tips
Notions of altruism through supporting these girls
And of course, interactive mutual masturbation
While online pornography is free, webcam sexual services have basically monetized sexual attention and social interaction where there is a never ending demand.
How do people become addicted? Is this a common problem?
Webcam-based interactive sex is a less common addiction than an online video/image pornography addiction and this is largely due to availability and barriers to access. You normally have to pay for webcam sex and more arrangements are required to facilitate it.
There are different ways people interact with web-cam sex services: from being an observer, making requests, to mutual masturbation and synchronized sex toys (tele-dildonics).
Due to stimulation, arousal and novelty - an addiction to webcam sex services can function very similarly to video based or image based porn addiction although it is less common because there are less users. However, the key differences are that webcam-based sex services have a higher financial cost and problematic use can quickly arise because overuse usually means significant financial impact as well.
From an emotional standpoint, web-cam sex users may find it harder to quit because of the interpersonal and social factors. The bottom line: They feel connected to the webcam model in a type of virtual friendship or relationship.
Some might have associated romantic feelings towards the model because they feel valued and connected which in turn creates a false sense of obligation and loyalty to continually accept a financial responsibility by supporting their model. What I think isn’t talked about enough is how withdrawal from web-cam sex might bring up a sense of betrayal, disloyalty and abandonment.
This is where it gets more complicated because simply cutting down or going cold turkey is also connected to personal values such as being a socially reliable, caring and good-hearted person.
Source: J PH, Unsplash
I’ve developed feelings for a webcam model, is this normal?
I think this also isn’t talked about, but it is very common for web-cam sex users to develop feelings and attachments to their favourite web-cam model or performer. There are a range of psychological processes that facilitate this type of connection and the fantasy part takes over the rest:
Repeated exposure and familiarity - The first is that repeated exposure breeds familiarity and for most people this helps people connect. A model that recognises you, greets you by name, and that you share a common experience is critical to a sense of bonding and friendship
Friction free positive emotion - The second is that your interaction with the model is always frictionless and positive. There isn’t conflict, you feel acknowledged and listened to. There aren't any ups and downs of messy real life partnerships where you have to compromise and repair. In fact, your needs in this relationship are completely prioritized over the model’s. It’s a not a healthy relationship but the veneer of one.
Emotional and physical intimacy - The unique part of webcam sex is the context and situation where physical intimacy precedes emotional intimacy. In sharing a sexual experience, you are already at an explicit and implicit level that you have a unique and vulnerable connection to this person. With repeated interactions, it's only natural for you to share in emotional intimacy where you may disclose about yourself and feel validated. Sometimes we open ourselves up to feeling special, desired and attractive.
“I’m so glad you’re here, I was looking forward to it”
“You’re my favourite”
I don’t have this with anyone else”
In this way, you’ve sort of skipped the initial stages of a real-life relationship where you may assess if this person is a good fit, because you’re already experiencing intimacy. Sometimes this occurs for the model as well, for similar reasons.
Fantasy and Projection - I think this is where many patients get caught. It is indulging in the fantasy or fairytale that extends beyond the boundaries of the transactional relationship. You may have repeated thoughts to meet up, escape away, save the princess/prince and have a happily ever after ending. It’s ok to have these feelings and it's ok to engage in a fantasy or fairytale but you don't have to enact and project further than the present day transactional relationship. We get caught up in what will be as opposed to focusing on the now.
How does a fixation on webcam performers harm my ability to form connections with women?
There is a direct effect and indirect effect.
If you are in a romantic relationship it is likely that your partner (if not already discussed) will see your webcam consumption as a type of infidelity or threat to the relationship. It is likely that there will be a sense of mistrust or betrayal, as well as confusion and anxiety regarding said behaviour. So it can have a direct effect if this is not mutually agreed as acceptable in the relationship.
The indirect effect is that the connection that you form online is under strict transactional conditions. It does not have the messiness of real life interactions that involve conflict, disagreements and equal consideration of needs and wants of the other partner - it’s all one-way.
Sometimes we prioritize this relationship over enhancing your current bonds to your friends and family. Sometimes we forgo opportunities to meet people that might have romantic or social potential because you may feel committed or prefer the convenience of the webcam relationship.
Other times, this frictionless one-way relationship shapes our expectations of real life relationships when they seem messy, disagreements and full of compromises.
The challenge is that the webcam model relationship tends to exist in a vacuum where there isn't feedback from the outside world (i.e. such as catching up with friends, dinner at the parents, seeing her in multiple contexts, sharing your relationship problems to your friends). The relationship tends to be associated with embarrassment or shame and therefore we often keep it secretive. Only when we zoom out can we really see how unhealthy it is in the long run.
Source: Charles De Luvio, Unsplash
What are some examples of the typical symptoms of camgirl addiction?/ If I enjoy viewing this type of pornography what is the line where this can become problematic?
To understand this line, here are some questions you can ask yourself.
Do you engage more than you plan to?
Are you spending above your financial means?
Do you feel a sense of obligation or exclusivity?
Are you having more complex emotions and thoughts that are outside the formal transactional service?
Do you experience negative emotions after use?
Have you taken a break from camming sites?
Are you prioritizing this relationship at the cost of other relationships?
What are some strategies I can employ to reduce my fixation on cam girls?
Always be clear with you own goals and intentions when using this type of sexual service.
Plan breaks and disengage with the service for an extended period of time.
Avoid becoming obsessed with a single performer.
Accept that you might be engaging in a relationship fantasy and that you don't have to project and engage further into it.
Have a clear financial and time limits.
Be honest with your own feelings, acknowledge and assess when you are crossing the line that you have set for yourself.
Although less common, this addiction is much more emotionally complex than most digital addictions and is not to be underestimated or overlooked!