Recovery Trick: Find the Deeper Aims in Your Urges

I went to a recent workshop hosted by the University of Sydney, gambling treatment and research clinic for clinicians. There was an interesting framework that was shared by David Hollister and something I’ve applied it in my practice. I think it’s an interesting additional tool to have in the mental toolbox for those starting recovery and having to deal with urges.

Most people who start or in the process of recovery will encounter urges whist they reduce or abstain from their addictive patterns. There are so many strong reasons for urges to exist, but in short you’ve practiced that mental pattern of using your addictive stimulus far more often than the mental pattern of deliberately not using it.

If you have a psychologist supporting your recovery, you will develop skills in therapy to “surf” your urges out, manage them cognitively or mindfully let them pass. Others will learn to face the urge and its related thoughts directly i.e. confront them head on, consider the consequences fully and highlight how the indulging the urge results in further disconnection from the meaningful life they want to live.

This skill is to examine what that urge is telling us, inspect it fully and understand the aim of the urge. There’s a skill in clarifying the deeper aim of the urge. For example, for gamblers sometimes the urge to gamble is the escape from negative emotion, a desire for excitement, to experience the possibility of opportunity (even if it’s an illusion) as reasons to gamble.
It is important to recognize that an escape from suffering, the desire for excitement and the delight of opportunity are very real, very normal and very human needs, which I’ll call the deeper aim of the urge. It makes complete sense that we should aim for these things, and are we truly serving the aim of this urge if we gamble? In fact gambling takes us further from doing what we need to do to meaningfully satisfy that aim.

Source: Christopher Lemercier, Unsplash

Let’s consider this skill for those struggling with porn addiction:

Most who struggle with overcoming excessive porn use will experience cravings, urges and desires to use porn, especially when they first attempt to reduce their use. We can examine the urges fully, find its aim, and understand its connection to a human need. After careful examination, we can objectively evaluate if choosing to use porn actually fulfills that need in a meaningful way.

Here’s a few examples:

“I have to use porn because I can’t get it up without it”

Depending on the person, the aim of this urge here might be the desire to satisfy a partner, demonstrate one’s own masculinity or the urge to be a “competent lover”. Now excessively relying on porn will temporarily satisfy the urge but won’t satisfy the aim to be a “competent lover”. For those with pornography induced erectile dysfunction, reducing porn use or short term abstinence might help you meet your aims.

“I have to use porn because I’m bored in the bedroom”

I’ve heard clients describe the aim of this type of urge as the desire for sexual excitement and variety (a valid human desire). This urge could highlight a cue to increase your sexual communication between you and your sexual partner/s to have your needs heard and taken into account. Is using pornography excessively when the urge hits, going to help satisfy the aim of having more diverse and fulfilling sexual life with your partner? Nope, not in the long run. After understanding your urges and their aims, it’s the perfect time to apply classic urge management skills.

So if you are experiencing urges, take the time to examine the deeper aim of that urge and then calmly negotiate with yourself which urge management skills to use. Perhaps you’ll find that the deeper aims of the urge match up to your meaningful life, and if that’s the case it might make it a little bit easier to “surf it out”.

Happy recovery!