Psychologist vs. Best Friend’s Advice (Part 1 of 2)
Today, we’re talking about the difference between your best friend’s advice vs advice from your mental health professional. What to expect from your friends when you’re trying to improve your mental health. Part 1 will compare the difference between consulting your friends vs. a psychologist, and Part 2 talks about what/when it is ok to go to a friend for advice.
Why are psychologists better at giving advice even when they don’t know my exact environment, unlike the way my best friend does?
I think the 2 biggest factors why a psychologist’s advice is more valuable: objectivity and alternate perspective.
Objectivity: I think we take for granted that almost all the advice we receive from our family and friends is coloured by our relationship to them. Your best friend - like every person - has their own goals and desires. Even though they likely won't have ill intent or malice towards you, it’s hard to be genuinely objective. For example: If you have a problem with drinking or using drugs around your friends, asking your friends if you have a problem isn’t going to be a straightforward question for them to answer.
Alternative perspective: Having a fresh perspective can also be very important. Sometimes, we need a point of view that isn’t influenced by the same norms and assumptions that one might be in. What might be acceptable in your circle or work may not be acceptable in other circumstances and vice versa. There are so many examples, such as being in a toxic family environment, cultural or group norms about careers, gendered and stereotyped beliefs, non-acceptance of life choices, religious beliefs, and many more.
What are the advantages of a “mental health-educated” person’s advice vs. advice from someone who cares about me?
I think it is important to distinguish everyday problems from mental illness.
Now - having mental illness makes everyday problems worse, and those with severe chronic conditions will struggle with day to day tasks - especially when their symptoms are elevated. I think there are huge differences between advice and treatment.
Friends are not accountable for what happens next: Your friend’s advice could be good or it could be bad, but they aren’t really accountable for it. Your psychologist is. If clinical advice results in worsened symptoms - it’s their job to provide the right tools to improve the situation. You can’t really go back to your friend and say “hey bud you gave me shit advice.”
Friends do not know which advice is appropriate and effective: Your friend doesn’t know what advice is appropriate and effective for the situation. Your friend doesn't know that there are studies and teams of researchers that develop mental or behavioural tools to solve the problem you might be experiencing.
Unrealistic expectations of friendships can strain them: Friends are not there to fix you; they are there for mutual reciprocal emotional support. It’s not particularly healthy to depend on your friends to alleviate your psychological symptoms. It is not particularly healthy to have that expectation about your friend or partner. Inevitably, empathy fatigue sets in, and they can become resentful of the resources and the dynamic changes. Even if they don't want to be around you - they might feel obligated to, and do so - which further ruins the friendship. Your friendships are something to be protective of.
It will be challenging to contain information; friends can’t un-hear something. Despite what your friend says, they will always be influenced by what you say. It's not necessarily a bad thing - but it isn't completely necessary. Do you really want your friend to know about your affair, your drug relapse, or your porn addiction? Do they want to know about your thoughts and relationship dysfunctions? After something is resolved with your psychologist, you can walk away from treatment and go on living your life without bumping into anyone who knows your deepest darkest secrets at the next social gathering.
Source: Tim Marshall, Unsplash
What are some basic tools that psychologists are equipped with when assessing an issue that my best friend doesn’t have?
If I were to list down the top tools that come to mind, it will be the next 5 points:
Risk Benefit Analysis: psychologists have years of training and hundreds of cases to help assess what strategies, tools and skills. For example, let’s say that you had a fear of water or swimming. The advice could be to just avoid it, but it can make the anxiety worse. Paradoxically, suggesting someone to just “dive in the deep end” can also make it worse. A skilled clinician will balance where and when to use incremental exposure, and when to use a “fear attack” or what we call ‘flooding.’ The devil's in the details, and knowing where or when a technique is relevant.
Being Non-Judgemental: psychologists are trained to actively manage emerging biases and staying objective even with the stigma of issues - whether it could be drug problems, pornography, deviant sexual behaviours, or extreme thoughts.
Actively Listening: psychologists are also trained to ask questions that open differing interpretations. They avoid leading questions that can end up in a biased outcome.
Functional Analysis: psychologists look for patterns of behaviour and their function whilst comparing the short-term vs long-term trade-offs.
Cognitive analysis: And throughout therapy, psychologists will look for ingrained or core beliefs that direct your decisions and behaviours. They help figure out if they are yours, or if those decisions or behaviors are led by your parents - either directly or indirectly.
Next, I’ll talk about the moments when it is okay to go to a friend for advice instead of a psychologist’s.
