How to Motivate Yourself (Part 2)

In my first part of “how to motivate yourself” series was to basically accept that positive emotion isn’t a mandatory criterion for you to do what you intend to do.

In tough love terms, you don’t have to “feel” motivated to do what you want, just keep doing what you want and the feeling of being motivated will come. Positive emotions aren’t necessary for action, although it’s preferable. 

Here, I’ll touch on how to use negative emotion in order to propel you forward toward your goals.

Source: SpaceX, Unsplash

Now for most clients that come to me, most want significant change in their life but are often anxious or fearful of taking action. They look at both the pros and cons of making a change and the fear sometimes cripples them into inaction.

What’s often missed is really thinking about the pros and cons of not changing.

That is, what’s going to happen if you don’t take those necessary steps. For example, for those with drug addictions this might mean physical illness and death. For others, a painful and miserable life of suffering is the true cost of your addiction. This pain is not only physical, the pain of lost friendships, family bonds, unrealised dreams and unmet life goals are just as real. This isn’t an exaggeration for those really struggling with addiction, depression or anxiety. All these things are worse when we’re socially isolated and disconnected from personal meaning. It really doesn’t take much to fracture the fragile bonds of family and friends because they are suffering too.

It’s worth covering some of the other unique consequences of gaming addiction, porn addiction and problem gambling.

For excessive gamers: given the demographics, most are concerned about academic/workplace performance and relationships. That is, if change doesn’t happen they are likely to fail their courses, flunk out and accrue significant financial debt. For some “game addicts” with young families, neglect of relationships and the potential fracture of family are possibilities if they don’t regain control over their gaming. If you’re gaming and neglecting bonding with your family, it is evitable your family bonds will weaken and fracture.

For those addicted to porn: some of negative consequences that worry some clients are chronic sexual dysfunctions. For example, this might be difficulty getting erect (or sufficiently rigid) when engaging in partnered sex (i.e. porn induced erectile dysfunction) or difficulty ejaculating without excessive force or idiosyncratic technique in order to ejaculate (i.e. death grip syndrome).

For gambling addicts: huge financial debt is the primary worry of most my gambling clients. It’s not hard to imagine what would happen if things didn’t change. Losing your relationship due to deception, losing your home, then losing your friends, then your job are a very real outcomes for a gambling addiction that is out of control.

It is important to remember that things can get worse and these valid things that are worth avoiding.

In therapy, I ask clients to talk about the consequences transparently and directly without exaggeration. Now this isn’t to unnecessarily scare people into action but the fear of aversive states, anxiety or fear of suffering is a powerful and valid motivator. It’s part of the reason we wear seatbelts and brush our teeth. Once we understand the consequences of inaction, we make can more considered choices. Once we master this trick we can use it in less serious situations in order to motivate intended actions.

Here’s a less sombre example of deliberately using negative emotion in a motivating way:

For some of my clients in the creative industries, fear of social judgement and criticism is something that often comes up. Sometimes the fear prevents them from releasing their work or getting feedback and before long, anxiety gets in the way of productive work. With time, this results in a genuine feeling of being demotivated. Now, there’s a simple trick, make that anxiety a motivator, publish that work and reframe that anxiety as a driver to improve what you released or start your next work. You often only have to muster the courage for a short time, hit publish and before you know it: Your anxiety is now driving you and not blocking you. 

Bottom line: You get to choose where you place your fear. 

It’s a powerful skill to be able to use anxiety towards your goals. For those recovering from addiction, remembering how things will get worse from inaction at the right times can help push you towards your intended actions such as going to your appointments, refusing invitations to use your “crutch” or doing the little things that take care of yourself.

The take home: fear and anxiety is powerful motivator if you choose to use it to drive you and not to block you. You get to choose how to use fear, productively or unproductively. As with any skill, learning to place/redirect your fear takes practice. So practice hard, become unstoppable and happy recovery.