How to Motivate Yourself (Part 3)
Feeling “demotivated” is an interesting expression, it’s a catchall for a whole range of possible complex emotions that impede us from performing an action that we intend or want to do. For some the feeling of being demotivated is connected to the feeling of being overwhelmed. From a clinician’s standpoint, it’s what we looks like the withdraw response to fear.
A portion of my clients are young men who are studying, in a young couple or have young families. A common theme among them is that they are often feeling “demotivated” to do the things that they intend/need to do in order to achieve their goals.
For some, it’s the role of being a good father and how overwhelming that can be. For others, it might be starting on assignments. Sometimes it is even applying for that much desired job.
In therapy, we spend a lot of time getting to the heart of things because sometimes we aren’t aware of the core belief or fear that drives us. Take for example, Mr. K a client (with gaming addiction) doesn’t want to apply for jobs. After some reflection, he could articulate that he was deeply fearful of failure, of rejection, not living up to his own expectations. He also eventually recognised that if he kept doing the things he was doing (i.e. avoidant coping via gaming) he’d guarantee the outcome he was so fearful about (see part 2 of this series). Even with his fear driving him for change, he still felt demotivated to find apply for jobs.
So we broke down his fear mountain in 10 manageable steps. I can’t undersell the usefulness of this exercise because it elegantly demonstrates that you will always have the ability to take one but step at a time, no matter how incompetent you feel. There are always opportunities for you to learn at each step so that you will increase your probability of successfully moving up to the next one. Climbing your fear mountain step by step helps you focus on the most relevant problem and take action. Before you even start, give yourself a break and don’t place a deadline on the summit.
Here is the mental process of building your fear mountain. Place what you want to conquer at the top, now examine it and break it down.
Suppose we set the top of our mountain as applying for a job. Let’s set up the steps:
Send resume to online job application.
What’s the step before applying for a job, well maybe find your resume. Is it up to date…
Ok well maybe the step before that is update your resume. Ok you recognised that you don’t have a reference letter from your old manage…
Hm… looks like we have to request a reference from her…
Ok well maybe the step before that is… to call your old manager.
Ok don’t have their number?… ok well should find that number….
Ok maybe the step before that is Google your old workplace?…
Let’s start climbing
You could probably handle the anxiety from googling your workplace… [Climb up Step 1]
Ok good. You’ve got the number… [Climb up Step 2]
From having the phone number to making a call… You could probably handle that. [so you climb up the Step 3]
Ok good, you’re in touch with your old manager… [so you climb up step 4]
From taking to your manager to making a request for a letter…. A little harder, but you could probably do that. You might need to try twice because you were a little reluctant the first time. Great, she agreed… [so you climb up the 5th step]
From reference letter to adding it to your resume… Ok you could probably handle this… Open up Microsoft word, type one word at a time if you have to…
[Climb up 6th step]Attach resume, fill out details and hit send… [well it doesn’t feel easy… but only takes a second…I’m at the top of the mountain]
In that simple exercise: We applied for that job, and it might have taken you a week.
Source: Glenn Carstens Peters, Unsplash
From updated resume to application, well it still might feel a little difficult, but it’s easier because you have a completed and updated resume. Clearly it is much easier than if you did nothing and dwelled on the overwhelming task of applying for a job. Remember at the final step, you only need the courage for the second you press the send button. After that your anxiety can be placed productively to improve your CV (see part 2 and placing your fear)
The heart of this skill is to deliberately attend to the next smallest step instead of the overwhelming top of the mountain. In my opinion, the skill of deliberately allocating your attention so that you are productive is a hugely important part of being focused on your life goals. In this case, we attended to the proximal goal or the next smallest step. Practice enough and you’ll be able to manage one or two mountains.
It’s so deceptively simple but potent. Any overwhelmingly feared and intended task can be broken down. Breaking it down is already a very useful thing, because it’ll highlight the skills and resources you need to acquire along the way. From any assignment to complex goals such as “being a good father” can be broken down in the same way. I think it’s a beautiful technique because it’s so versatile. Anyone can use this technique. I’ve used it with high performance managers to adolescents because everyone gets overwhelmed. It takes some practice getting used to but once you master it, it might be your most used tool. It’s a personal favourite of mine!