Overcoming the Fear of Failure

Today we’re talking about a universal fear - the fear of failure. We’ll talk about why some people seem to get over it faster than others and why some struggle.

Why are people afraid to fail?

There are many reasons why you might be afraid to fail but it commonly stems from one of these four reasons…

One, you’re probably trying to avoid the embarrassment and shame associated with failure
Two, the idea of failure is aversive and you’re fearful of experiencing it
Three, you don’t want to attempt the task because you don’t feel capable…
And four - you’re avoiding effort, you’ve limited yourself to ONLY doing things you’re good at because they’re easy.

Leaning into your strengths and being reminded of what you are good at is more pleasant than working on your weaknesses. Some of us find it hard to be reminded of your shortcomings.

Isn’t failing a normal fear to have? When can it impair my life?

Let's break this down a little further.

Anxiety about failing is normal. Anxiety is when your fear system is activated, it is not inherently a good or a bad thing. It’s evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to help you navigate uncertain and threatening situations. Anxiety when well-managed helps you be more conscientious, attentive, analytical and alert when dealing with issues.

Poorly managed anxiety is overwhelming and can lead you to withdraw to avoid the source of that anxiety. When you frequently avoid things that are good for you in the long run - that is when it REALLY impairs your life.

Why do people have this fear and others don’t?

Everybody has anxiety. It’s pretty rare for someone to not have any anxiety when taking a risk or undertaking a challenge. There are 2 ways why someone might be better at dealing with the anxiety of failure than others.

The first is that they have implemented strategies to manage that anxiety. This could be a variety of things; from positive self encouragement, adapting to a level of uncertainty through practice, having a supportive social network, having a supportive upbringing or accepting that failure is an unavoidable part of learning.

The second is that they have learnt to detach their self-worth or ego from the outcome, such that - in an unsuccessful outcome, they don’t see themselves as a failure, and instead - they see it as a way to get helpful (sometimes painful) feedback.

To get a little more technical, those who tend to struggle with this fear may be under the effect of some cognitive distortions.

The first common distortion is a Labelling Error - where judgment on a certain behaviour is extended to define the person. For example, just because you failed a task doesn’t make you a failure. The way we talk to or about ourselves to ourselves directly impacts your emotional state. It’s subtle - when we label ourselves, there’s almost nothing else you can do about it. When we keep the failure specific to the task and not to our self worth, it’s easier to focus on the logical corrections to improve. There is a world of difference between “I failed that test because I stayed up all night gaming” vs. “I’m a failure in life and that’s why I failed that test.”
The second distortion is Catastrophization. That’s when we exaggerate the negative outcome of a single action such as - If I don’t get this job, I will become homeless and no-one will love me.

These two distortions increase the perceived risk of your task. Consequently your anxiety scales to that heightened level of risk. Imagine if all your self-worth rested on you applying for that job and you thought you would be laughed at when you turned up. Well of course your anxiety would signal that there's so much threat and that you should bail.

Can something instinctual such as a fight or flight response be rewired? How do I do this?

Anxiety can be rewired. We do this all the time, we can recalibrate to things we used to find as daunting and fearful. In treatment, the most direct way to reduce anxiety is to systematically expose yourself to the fearful task. Most times, we do this slowly, skilfully and incrementally.

Let's say you are a musician and you’re fearful of releasing your music. You're afraid that others will judge you negatively, or that you haven’t lived up to that image that you want others to have of you. Take a breath, recognise that you’re unnecessarily raising the stakes on yourself, you don’t have to release a smash hit every time, and just because your work is unpolished doesn't mean you are a failure. You’re a musician. Making and releasing music is what you love to do. You start to break this down, what is the smallest thing you can do that will pull you closer to releasing music. Let's pick something small. Do you think you can handle just loading up the laptop and start recording that melody you had in mind? How much anxiety did you have to negotiate in order to load up the laptop. Probably more manageable than thinking your self-worth is on the line.

By the way, If you’re still struggling - you could benefit from using some cognitive techniques to address some of the cognitive distortions that might be holding you back.

How is the concept of failure often overestimated?

When people think about failure, they often attach their self-image onto the success or failure of that task. Is it necessary or kind to yourself, to attach the weight of your entire self-worth to the success of a task? It’s not..The attractive person at the bar that said “no thank you” to you offering to buy a drink, didn’t condemn you as a human being - they just said no to an invitation to chat.

Where did we pick up, attaching our self-worth to our tasks?

It’s not always clear - some people would have picked up this belief as part of their upbringing, and some just discover it for themselves. We learn that sometimes we can increase the stakes by placing pressure on ourselves and in specific contexts - we might have a better performance. But we make the mistake of using personal pressure as a statement of reality and not simply as a tool to achieve a purpose.

When we were younger, perhaps that tool worked, but you don’t have to use it all the time.

Should I be unafraid to fail? Will my life change when I overcome this fear?

I think acknowledging that failure in a task doesn’t mean you are a failure is very important. Failing at a task does not equal you being a failure. Because if you are able to openly accept failure some of the time, then you eliminate the penalty for taking creative and important risks in your life. It’s liberating. I don’t think it is entirely helpful or realistic to be completely unafraid. A mild dose of fear is helpful, it keeps you sharp and attentive.

How do I break out of this mindset?

Accept that excessive fear of failure holds you back.
Write down your fears HONESTLY, break them down and expose yourself to better understand them.
Do the things you’re avoiding, slowly, skilfully and incrementally. Start small and you’ll avoid feeling overwhelmed.

If you are still struggling with the fear of failure, it’s really worth seeing a psychologist. There are a range of techniques such as exposure techniques, cognitive techniques, breathing techniques, resolving traumatic, historic or childhood issues that might be holding you back.

I hope this helped you better understand the concept of failing and how to reach success in whatever pursuit you choose in life