The Camgirl Reality Test
In this video, Luke Vu PhD provides probing reflection prompts designed to challenge unexamined beliefs and habits. The questions cover the role of sex in your life, the fantasy versus reality of online relationships, the emotional and financial costs, and the impact on real-life connections
In the previous episode we discussed the psychological reasons why you could be susceptible to the emotional aspect of a webcam service or live-stream pornography.
With that in mind, this episode will be is a how to guide on how to yourself to reflect and to keep yourself grounded if you find yourself using cam-girl services, live-stream porn or engaging with web-cam performers more than you would like to
Quick disclaimer, I’m not your psych, and this isn’t treatment; if you need a psych, you should find a registered qualified psych in your area.
Default Beliefs
We live most of our lives on autopilot. We consolidate our beliefs, routines and often take for granted why we do the things we do. Most importantly we tend to stop examining if we should stop doing the things that we normally do. It's often because we have some unchallenged thoughts and beliefs that perpetuate our maladaptive cycles. Today, I share some of the most common reflection prompts or concept attacks that help many of my patients pause, reflect and change some of their untested but tightly held beliefs.
Essentially this is the homework I give my patients to induce healthy psychological change.
It's important to note that the questions themselves aren’t magical.
You have to be willing to invest time, and deeply reflect. It also helps if you feel ambivalent or ready to think about change. Pro tip: This exercise is most effective when you clear your mind of distractions, so get away from the screens, go for a hike, whatever you need to do then engage in deep thought.
Naturally, these reflective moments can occur when we experience the passing of a loved one or some other significant life event.
You know what that feels like, so keep that in mind as we try to enter that state again at will. In the context of regaining control over interacting with cam-girl habits, I’ve found that the following themes are the most helpful with my patients.
By the way if you wanna get the most out of this exercise, writing your thoughts down as ponder will enhance the effect.
So here we go:
Sex
Sometimes we’re so preoccupied with “maximizing” our engagement with sex via cam-girl relationships, pornography, pursuing sexual mates, DMing on instagram, propositioning or even roleplaying sexual characters.
Sometimes its critical to stop and ask yourself
Why is sex so important to me?
How much should sex occupy my life?
Why should it dominate my life?
How would your life be different if your mind wasn't always preoccupied with sex?
Fantasy
Other times, we’ve already bought into this fairytale in our minds and our decisions are already based on this conclusion. Sometimes we don’t think beyond the fairytale, here are some questions that might shake that belief.
What would you do after you get your fairytale wish i.e. that is “get the girl” and move to be with her? Would you work there? Plan to marry her? Separate from your current partner? What would she do?
Would she continue this line of work, even if you got together? Do you even know how much she’s actually making? Does she need or want to be rescued?
Why are you choosing this relationship over your current partner?
What is the real-life cost of this fairytale? divorce, coparenting, division of assets, shared custody, social exclusion by your family?
Source: @charlesdeluvio, Unsplash
Relationship
When we’re in too deep and have bought into this fantasy, we lose sight of some of the basics of what it means to be in a relationship:
Is this a real relationship? Are your needs met, is it symmetrical, reciprocal? Or are you always trying to court and impress her?
If you didn't have any money and stopped tipping would she still “love” you?
Would she provide her affection when you needed it but couldn't afford it?
Would she help you move, nurse you if you are unwell, help raise your children? Does she even really want to?
Are you interdependent? Can you borrow money from her if you’re in financial distress?
Costs
Ultimately, there’s a tradeoff between camgirl relationships and other important life goals. There might be a part of you that thinks it's free and harmless, but that’s worth examining.
Is this relationship costing you? How much over what period of time?
If you become her sole provider, how much would it cost then?
Is it preventing you from developing meaningful real-life relationships?
Is it preventing her from developing meaningful real-life relationships as well?
The Girl
You might be in love with her, you might have strong emotions when you interact with her. Ultimately, you’re in love with an avatar of her that she chooses to reveal to her patrons and clients.
Do you really know her? Does she really know you?
Are you filling in the blanks in the relationship? Is she perfect because you’ve made working assumptions?
How do you know if you’re being taken advantage of?
Feelings
Why do you buy into this fantasy?
Are you addicted to the feeling of being in love?
Are you in love with the feeling of being in love?
Would this camgirl be replaced by another camgirl?
How replaceable are you in this relationship?
The Future
Even when we reflect on these areas, sometimes we just want to keep the status quo. Sometimes we want to delay confrontation of difficult decisions.
What would need to change before you would choose to stop?
What would be a deal-breaker for you?
How long can you keep doing this for? 5 years, and then what would you hope for?
Are you accepting this virtual relationship because you feel unable to nurture or repair ones in your real life?
These prompts aren’t exhaustive, but they share the theme: of confronting or justifying some tightly held and unexamined beliefs.I hope you found this useful.
I’m Luke Vu. Be kind, be you. Catch you next time