Can Porn Make My Partner Sexually Unattractive?
The things we consume have a habit for sneaking into our subconscious and this particular past time can have a pretty nasty side effect. This video explains why chronic pornography consumption can often distort our perceptions, preferences, diminish our sexual attraction towards partners and make them appear more unattractive.
How does porn distort your physical preferences?
I don’t think we need to discuss why we find pornstars arousing.
What’s key is that whether you realize it or not, continuous viewing of these mattress actresses can subconsciously encourage interest in exaggerated features along with the novel “acts” performed by these professionals.
As we always stress in my videos - porn is a supernormal stimulus, it elicits a heightened arousal response beyond what we would have evolutionarily been adapted to.
Meaning that it is near impossible to get bored by porn and with enough consistent consumption, porn can distort what you consider normal.
What you might consider the average penis size, the average bust size, average figure size, average facial attractiveness may have all changed depending on how you experience life and what you visually consume. Fictional - high production porn can actually subconsciously affect what you think is normal in real life and this extends to intercourse positions, intensity and other sexual interests.
Because of this, you may find your own partner’s shape and appearance and sexual habits not meeting your porn-distorted standards over time.
It’s as if because you played too much street fighter, you are now disappointed that people can’t throw fireballs in real life.
MUST long lasting monogamous relationships go beyond physical attraction?
Hard yes!
Physical attraction is not everything, and it can’t be.
Everyone gets old - youthful features will be met with wrinkles of wisdom. The visual physical attraction that may have played a large role at the start of the relationship, will have to play a smaller role now. It’s unkind to yourself and your partner to only weigh physical attraction as the only value towards intimacy and closeness.
Attraction is multidimensional - it is emotional, intellectual, and existential.
It’s important to learn about and weigh other values about your partner - values, humour, kindness, intelligence, understanding, trust, vulnerability. The list goes on. The ability to incorporate these things into the broad category of attraction is absolutely key for a successful and satisfying relationship.
Where is porn the most disruptive in a committed relationship?
In every long term relationship, there has to be a shift or a balance where the attraction to our partner's visual attributes are combined with other traits and values. In healthy relationships, attraction that is multi-dimensional is more fulfilling and we are still driven to be psychologically and physically drawn to each other. One of the disruptive components of pornography is how it can distort our arousal and expectation patterns.
As we excessively use pornography, we might find ourselves more dependent on the visual and sexual characteristics as the basis for arousal. If you haven't developed or incorporated other forms of attraction beyond physical attributes, you are likely to find yourself disappointed and/or dissatisfied.
Going back to porn - for example - if you reflect on your category use, you might find yourself selecting new performers as your former favourites either move on, age, and/or become less attractive to you. In short, you are in a never ending supply of new attractive 20-something year old pornstars.
As you and your partner age, these performers are interchangeable and replaceable. Your partner should not be treated as such (consciously or unconsciously)!
Source: Unsplash
How does porn distort your psychological preferences?
Now even if your partner shares the same visual characteristics, the fact that pornography is always novel is another kicker. It’s called the Coolidge Effect, and it describes the ability for an animal to become aroused by a novel mate even when it has mated to exhaustion. Sexual Interest in someone new - being greater than sexual interest in a familiar partner is quite literally hard wired into your brain.
So - the sheer fact that the sexual stimulus you observe on screen is of a performer that isn’t your partner is already going to be more arousing. Now this isn’t a major problem if your pornography use is well regulated, but it is a huge problem when it becomes unregulated as you may depend on novelty to become aroused rather than it just being a bonus feature.
The other psychological factor is that you may have distinct expectations that have been overly influenced by porn and when these expectations are not met they can elicit significant dissatisfaction.
So beyond physical features, this might include a strong preference for a certain sexual activities that may be beyond your partner’s boundaries, expectations that sex should follow a certain expected narrative such as exaggerated enthusiasm or orgasms, or even a fetish or roleplay aspect.
It may be difficult to know when these porn preferences become sexual expectations. This where you might start having feelings of disappointment and dissatisfaction about your partner can combine to feel like a reduction in attraction.
Why is it difficult to distinguish that porn is make-believe and reality is reality?
Unfortunately for most, pornography is the primary form of sexual education in their formative teen years. In this stage of life, you're exceptionally interested in forming sexual and romantic relationships, while shaping your own expectations.
For some, they supplement this education with negotiating their sexual expectations and understanding their own sexual boundaries in the context of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately for others, this doesn't happen until much later. It’s not an uncommon phenomenon, many beliefs we form as young adults change as we gather experience.
Unfortunately, updating beliefs about sexual expression and expectation involves a healthy relationship which is less available.
No judgement AT ALL if you use pornography, that is an individual decision to make.
For a lot of people it's a form of entertainment and a source of sexual expression and discovery. It’s important to have some guidelines to your porn use and that it's ok in the context of a relationship, and your own moral ethical code.
It’s the category and volume of what you consume and how you feel about it that really matters. If the bulk of your sexual expression is via pornography and you are constantly influencing yourself on what you find sexually exciting, then we should expect some influence into your sex life and intimacy if you have trouble regulating your porn use.
Keep to your own healthy limits whether that is once per week or sticking to categories that you are comfortable with.
Have planned breaks when you feel it has affected your intimacy or if you have broken some of those guidelines.
I’m Luke Vu. Be kind, be you. Catch you next time