Why You Fall in Love For Camgirls
In this video (Part 2) we discuss the psychological reasons why you may be susceptible to the allure of digital companionship and are vulnerable to falling in love with a cam-girl
In this video article, I talk about the factors that make you vulnerable to falling in love and creating unhealthy attachments with a cam girl. There are 2 sections, the psychological processes that accelerate attachment and your own psychological states that make you vulnerable to falling in love with a camgirl (or becoming addicted to camgirl performers / webcam models services)
Psychological processes that accelerate a perceived connection.
1. Coolidge effect and amplified arousal
The Coolidge effect refers to the phenomenon of renewed sexual motivation due to sexual novelty. Essentially - a new sexual partner will be more arousing than a familiar sexual partner. This means that if you are in a long term relationship, there is a hard-wired bias to finding a webcam model as more sexually attractive than your current partner because she isn’t your partner. Lets face it, you’ve already selected this model with your preferred visual and behavioral traits but this arousal is amplified simply because it's new. We perceive this enhanced sexual arousal as psychological excitement, physical arousal or even a perceived connection and it can feel extremely rewarding.
This excitement is really entertaining, It's what you’re initially paying for.
Now if you haven’t felt this type of intense emotion for a while, you could be making the mistake of valuing this online connection over the ones that exist in their daily lives. By comparison, your familiar partner isn’t going to generate this intense emotion, and the cam model does, so you might conclude that I should be with that person that makes me feel excited and giddy. What started off as entertainment can slowly feel “real” because of elevated levels of excitement and repeated consumption.
Lets entertain a thought experiment: Even if you live out this fantasy of being together with your favorite cam model and live happily ever after.
That relationship will become your real life one and that initial excitement will fade because it too will run out of its novelty and become familiar. It’s the trap of chasing an intense and transient feeling and incorrectly assuming that it is real or permanent.
2. Online sex and the emotional catch-up
The unique part of interactive online sex is the context and situation where virtual physical intimacy precedes emotional intimacy. Granted that this does happen often in real life too (i.e. hooking up, one night stands etc). Since you’ve experienced physical vulnerability with each other, the barriers to emotional intimacy are much lower and you are more open to trusting her. Ultimately you permit yourself to connect more rapidly. With repeated sexual interactions, it's only natural for you to share an emotional intimacy where you may disclose about yourself and feel validated (and vice versa).
The best webcam performers will make you feel whatever you’re lacking, i.e. the feeling of being wanted, desired, safe, comforted, appreciated or needed. This is how entertainment can slowly be experienced as “genuine” attachment if you’re not careful.
3. Repeated exposure and familiarity
Repeated exposure breeds familiarity and connection. If you have already shared a sexually vulnerable experience together online, recognising you and greeting you by name will undoubtedly add to this false notion of a real connection. Because webcam models have a schedule and regular time slots, you feel secure because she’s reliable and predictable in your life. The more you see her, the more familiar and comfortable you feel and all she wants to do is make you feel whatever you lack in your daily life.
4. Friction free positive emotion.
Interactions with webcam performers tend to be frictionless and positive. This is simply customer service and good business practice. There is no conflict, you feel acknowledged, heard and your requests fulfilled. You are paying for the removal of any ups and downs of messy real life partnerships.
Disagreements, compromise and conflict do not exist in fantasy relationships but we sometimes mistakenly think that this is the way relationships should be
5. Fantasy and Projection
This is where many of my patients get caught. It’s the indulging in the fantasy or fairytale that extends beyond the boundaries of the transactional relationship. You may have thoughts of meeting up or “saving her” from this line of work and live happily ever after. Saving her from what exactly? Her income? The profession that she chose?
Although the point of this online service is to entertain a sexual fantasy, it is an error to carry those fantasies with you when you go offline. It's the wish to turn fantasy into reality, and your mind filling in the gaps and projecting into the future. It is important to remember that the way she is making you feel isn’t exclusive, it is a service that you’ve paid for and that others are often paying for that same service.
Because this is her job and she’s great at it.
These are some of the psychological factors that accelerate connection. Next part is about the thoughts and emotions that you bring to that dynamic.
Source: charlesdeluvio, Unsplash
Your own thoughts, emotions and internal states amplify attachment
Let’s take a look at some internal factors that might make you more likely to buy into a camgirl relationship:
Loneliness -
You might be feeling lonely or isolated. And you feel that your social needs are insufficiently met. Webcam models present a convenient way for you to pay to have your desire for social connection temporarily satisfied in an artificial way. Sure, it's effective in relieving loneliness in the moment, but it's not really an adequate or sustainable substitute for social connection. When you stop paying for that service, the loneliness will return and often with interest. This is because you’ve neglected your current relationships or miss opportunities for more stable and fulfilling social connections.
Low self worth -
You might be feeling that you aren’t worthy of having real life relationships.
You might have really self-critical thoughts: “I’m unlovable”, “I’ll never find someone”, “Why would anyone be with me”
If you feel unworthy of being able to offer value to a real life partner, it's likely you’re turning to the cam model because her profession requires her to be accepting of you. Her attention and her warmth as a paid service can resemble the kind of behaviours you want in a loving romantic partner. Your brain doesn’t know the difference and even if you do, you might be willingly living in this fantasy because reality bites.
Life dissatisfaction and Escape -
You could be really unhappy with your current romantic partner.
You might have a mismatch in sexual expectations and interests
You might have unmet relationship needs and or simply you guys fight like honey badgers every night.
Webcam models might be an escape from the dissatisfaction of your reality. In addition, your webcam relationship might be the only way you feel that you can meet your sexual needs without having to deal with the discomfort of addressing them with your partner.
Anxiety & Fear of Rejection
Sometimes cam-girl relationships occur because our anxiety or fear prevents us from pursuing more meaningful real-life relationships. Dating is really hard, it’s exhausting and you might have had several negative experiences. Maybe you have experienced rejection or judgment as you navigate real-life social interactions. The comfort of a screen and a webcam where your interactions can take more time to formulate, where there is already a sense of acceptance is far less daunting
Fear of Judgement & Conflict
Perhaps you have concerns about your sexual interests and you have difficulty communicating these needs to your partner. Maybe they are taboo or that your partner has different values to you.
Perhaps if you raised any of these issues to your partner, it might create intense and distressing conflict
By definition, webcam models are non-judgemental towards their patrons, and you see the service as a necessary evil to “keeping” the peace
Fears related to physical sex
Webcam relationships provide a low anxiety environment when it comes to sexual interactions. Perhaps you may have had a previous negative sexual experience: this could be performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, experienced trauma or abuse. Your anxiety about having to re-experience this might bias you towards a digital relationship where you feel more control and less risk.
Unfortunately, this often delays making progress in resolving these issues in real-life settings.
In short, you might be vulnerable to unhealthy attachment or “falling in love” with a cam model for a variety of reasons. Camgirl relationships artificially and temporarily supply your social, emotional and psychological needs whilst for a fee.
But remember that this is a temporary fix that nurtures an unhealthy psychological dependency
I’m Luke Vu, clinical psychologist. Be kind, be you. Catch you next time